Long Distance Relationship
Dear Therapist,
I recently got engaged to a woman who is everything I could’ve ever wanted! We’re currently in a long-distance relationship, and we have a long engagement because of our work schedules. While we were dating, I was able to visit her much more often than she could visit me because my job was more flexible than hers. However, my work will become more demanding over the next few months, so we won’t be able to see each other in person much, which means we’ll only be connecting virtually.
The issue is, I often feel awkward and not like myself on phone and video calls, and it’s starting to affect our connection. My fiancé’s mentioned that she feels the strain too, and I hate that my discomfort is making things harder. Once we’re married, she’ll move here and things will settle down, but I want to make sure we’re building a strong foundation now.
How can I get past my awkwardness and maintain a close bond with her during this time?
Response:
First of all, congratulations! Engagement can be a really exciting time, and brings with it a whole slew of challenges (and challenging feelings) as well. Add long distance to the equation, and it’s safe to say that the intensity of the feelings probably increases.
A helpful skill in all relationships, especially during stressful times, is expressing yourself openly, clearly, and effectively.
It’s common to feel less comfortable sharing more difficult feelings at this stage in your relationship. On the flipside, as both of you improve this skill, your connection will feel that much stronger.
If you’ve shared your discomfort already, kudos to you! However, the communication skill that I am advising is a bit more nuanced. If you haven’t already, start by identifying what is going on for you underneath the surface. Oftentimes, feeling awkward and uncomfortable covers up underlying fears- fear of not getting this long distance thing “right”, or fear of not being fully accepted. It can also mask feelings of sadness or frustration due to the circumstances you are both facing during such a pivotal time in your relationship. Maybe there are other feelings as well.
Once you start to have a better grasp on what is going on for you emotionally, the next step is to share that with your fiancé. These feelings and needs are very tender and it’s normal to be hesitant to share some of them. I’d recommend starting slowly, sharing a little at a time, and gauging her response.
This is an opportunity for you to establish strong communication patterns from the get go.
Just like you, your fiancé likely has her own emotional reactions to the challenges you are both facing. Even though it can be so hard to see our partner having a negative reaction to something we do, I want you to enter the conversation with curiosity, and not defensiveness, about her perspective.
Relationships are a dynamic dance, and the more you can understand each other’s perspectives, the more clearly you can see the dynamics at play between both of you. Having that clarity and understanding of each other can help your nervous systems feel more attuned, and in turn, make problem-solving much easier and more effective.
When your fiancé shares her feelings, try to make it your single-minded focus to understand her experience.
I like to think of this approach like a mirror. When you look in a mirror, you just see whatever you put in front of it, and nothing more or less. Often, when we respond to others, we process their words through our own perspective- considering if they feel true, the emotions we feel, and so on- before responding. This is useful in many situations, because it helps us evaluate and discern. However, with your partner, especially in moments of heightened tension, it can be really helpful to respond as a mirror would. Instead of filtering her words through your own feelings and then responding with explanations, trying to end the conversation, or escalation, keep your focus on simply reflecting her perspective (and extra credit if you can also express to her how you can see that her feelings make sense!).
While it might seem paradoxical, fully listening and mirroring your fiancé’s feelings helps her feel understood and comforted. This builds greater connection, allowing you both to feel more compassion, deepen understanding, and ultimately work together more effectively to solve problems as a team.
This type of conversation will probably be easier to have in person, especially because of your discomfort over phone or video. However, if travel isn’t an option now, try to figure out what mode of communication feels most comfortable to you and have the conversation there. It is also helpful to set clear intentions around what is being discussed and share feelings of connection throughout the conversation (such as “I miss being closer” or “I want to understand each other better”).
Adding Rituals
John Gottman, a leading relationship researcher, emphasizes the benefits of creating rituals of connection. Rituals are consistent ways that you both consciously choose to strengthening your relationship. These can include ways that you greet each other on the phone, plan for the future, or how you express overwhelm during tough conversations. The benefit of establishing rituals in your situation is twofold- firstly, having a set ritual oftentimes reduces feelings of awkwardness, and more importantly, it can help you nurture the sense of togetherness.
The engagement period is the beginning of laying the groundwork for your marriage and creating a joint identity (in addition to your own individual identities). The challenge that you are facing navigating this long-distance phase with the discomfort it brings is also an invitation to strengthen the foundation for the rest of your lives.
The vulnerability, trust, and responsiveness that you are working to build now, along with the rituals you create, will prepare you both for a strong marriage and is the best gift you can give your future selves!
