If you’re in this situation, discernment counseling is likely the best next step. While traditional couples therapy might seem like the obvious choice, I don’t usually recommend it if one of you wants a divorce, because you won’t both be equally engaged in the therapeutic process which can make it at best ineffective, and at worst, harmful.

Discernment counseling meets both of you where you currently are. It will help you give the best possible shot at making the marriage work, and it will help your partner expand their narrative to get as much clarity as possible in making a decision.

In discernment counseling, we are rooting for your marriage and wanting to give it the best shot at succeeding, while also honoring whatever decision ends up feeling best.

Couples who engage in this work, regardless of the outcome, have shared how worthwhile they found the process to be.

Partners who decide to work on their relationship at the end of the process find that work to be much more effective after going through discernment counseling.

Those who decide to divorce report that discernment counseling gave them much more closure than they would have had otherwise, as well as giving greater clarity on the things they each contributed to the dynamics in this relationship (which helps prevent those patterns from repeating themselves in future relationships).

Couples counseling, although sometimes very effective, isn’t always the best option when divorce feels more imminent by one partner. However, I strongly recommend trying at least one session of discernment counseling before going ahead with divorce proceedings.

When couples face divorce, tensions are usually high. Discernment counseling allows partners to slow down with the focus of gaining clarity and confidence in a decision for both spouses, giving the marriage the best shot if possible, and having more closure regardless of what decision was made.

Discernment counseling is tailored towards a very specific category of couples, where one partner is interested in working on the relationship, and one partner isn't sure if they want to stay married.

If both partners are fully committed to doing the work, traditional marriage therapy is the way to go.

On the flip side, if one partner is 100% convinced that they want a divorce, discernment counseling is not the right choice. (However, even slight uncertainty can make you a good candidate for this work!)
Discernment counseling is not meant for situations where there is active violence or coercion.

Discernment counseling is a very short term therapy lasting 1-5 sessions. The first session is 2 hours, and subsequent sessions are 90 minutes.

During each session, some of the time is spent with both of you together, and some is individual work.