Half-hearted Divorce
When you hear the statement: “we're getting divorced”, does that mean that both partners are in agreement?
Let’s take a hypothetical couple, Joe and Rachel. They have gone to couples therapy, but despite trying a few different therapists, the therapy wasn’t gaining traction, and their relationship wasn’t improving.
Hard pause right here.
There can be many reasons for relationships not improving, but one that I always want to rule out is if the couple has differing agendas.
As a couples therapist, I often see the misconception that when couples come for therapy, they both want to work on things (and if it isn’t going well, one of the parties is at fault). In reality, it can be that both partners are coming with opposing goals (which haven’t been acknowledged). In the scenario I mentioned, Joe’s agenda may have been to do whatever it takes to salvage the marriage, while Rachel’s energy may have been focused on trying to decide what she wanted to do with the relationship, and not on the hard work of changing dynamics. Neither partner was “sabotaging” the work, they were just coming from very different places.
Just like in couples therapy, once the divorce process starts, many people believe that both partners have accepted the end of the marriage. Similarly, this is often not the case.
The research
Several studies have been done with couples who were far into the divorce process. The research points to the fact that at least one third of people going through divorce are either ambivalent or do not want to get divorced. In 2011, a research study came out with findings that about 25% of divorcing parents believed that their marriage could be salvaged, and about 30% were interested in trying to work towards reconciliation (see Doherty, Peterson, and Willoughby).
If these studies are done while people are well into the divorce process, we can imagine how many people decide to divorce without confidence about the decision. Many couples who reach this stage have one partner who is more interested in a divorce, and one partner who is less interested. Neither are certain. After all, because the effects of divorce are so wide reaching and can impact so much, it makes sense that people often approach it with hesitancy.
Many couples decide to get divorced feeling blindfolded.
Often (although not always), couples will first try couples therapy, which is geared towards improving the relationship. When Rachel comes into therapy unsure about investing in the relationship, couples therapy will be much less effective. Seeing that therapy isn’t as helpful as they would want, it may lead her to believe that in fact, there is no hope, and decide to get divorced. The tragedy of scenarios such as this is that there hasn’t been real exploration to determine if it is the right decision. Divorce is hard and painful. It is even harder without being fully confident in the decision.
Discernment counseling is a clearing between halfhearted divorce and halfhearted couples therapy.
The goals for this work are looking at yourself and your marriage to develop more clarity in a decision. It helps bridge the gap of what I call “halfhearted-ness”, so that either you decide to work on your relationship with the knowledge that you and your partner are fully invested in the work, or you feel more confident going through the process of divorce.
Let's bring this back to Joe and Rachel.
As they were getting frustrated with couples therapy, they stumbled across discernment counseling. Like many similar couples, they felt immediate relief having a name and option for what they were going through.They began a course of discernment counseling, where Rachel developed a greater understanding of the dynamics which led her marriage to this point, her role in the dynamics, and was able to look at her options through a broader lens. Joe’s experience focused on better understanding his role in their patterns and being coached on how to show up to give the marriage the best fighting chance from his end.
Success in discernment counseling
A successful course of discernment counseling isn’t about whether the couple divorces or stays together; it’s about the couple developing a greater understanding of what they each need for their own healing and greater clarity on their next steps in their relationship. Having that clarity helps couples either jumpstart their work in couple’s therapy or helps them have a more amicable, smoother divorce.
Joe and Rachel ultimately decided that they want to try to work things out. They spent their last discernment session writing a list of what they each want to work on individually to improve their relationship. Although their journey has just begun, they are entering the work with confidence, hope, and a determination to doing everything they can to improve their marriage.
