Finding a Therapist

Dear Therapist,

We’ve been together for ten years and love each other deeply, but we feel stuck in the same frustrating patterns. No matter what we try- books, podcasts, long talks- we keep circling back to the same issues. We’ve decided it’s time for couples therapy, and while we’re hopeful, we’re also nervous.
We’ve heard stories of therapy making things worse for couples, leaving them feeling more disconnected or misunderstood. We don’t want that to happen to us, but with so many therapists out there, it’s overwhelming to know where to start. What should we be looking for in a couples therapist, and how will we know we’re in the right hands?

Response:

Deciding to find a therapist is a big step, and it can often feel hard to choose a therapist. It sounds like you’ve looked at other ways to improve your relationship and have decided that therapy is the best route. Marriage counseling can be incredibly helpful and help you build a deeper, stronger, more secure bond where you can work through painful, disconnecting patterns.

Engaging in marriage counseling means that you are bringing a third party into your relationship. When another person is coming into your life in such an intimate way, there is a huge potential for healing. At the same time, like in life in general, the bigger the potential for healing, the bigger the potential for harm. Therefore, it’s important to choose a marriage therapist carefully.

There are some things which I see as non-negotiables in finding a couples therapist (and most of these apply to individual therapy as well):

Firstly, couples therapy is different from individual therapy, and therapists work differently with couples and individuals. Individual therapy is about the specific client, and couples therapy is about the bond between two people. It’s important that the therapist has specific training in a couples therapy modality, and is experienced in working with couples.
It is also vital to find a therapist who prioritizes continued learning, and will continue to hone in their skills.

Additionally, the relationship between both of you and your therapist is considered one of the most critical keys towards growth in therapy. Try going to the clinician a few times, and see if you feel comfortable with and trust and respect them.

It’s equally important that you both feel respected and valued by your therapist. Therapy is a vulnerable process, and you’ll be able to explore yourself more openly when you feel accepted and genuinely liked by your therapist.

In addition to the above-mentioned qualities, different therapists have different styles. However, no effective therapy will include shaming. Part of the process of couples therapy may be noticing how each of you are contributing to the challenges, but it should be done with understanding and compassion towards both of you.

Supervision

The last thing that is non-negotiable is that the therapist you are working with receives regular supervision. This is crucial because it protects you, as the client, from potential inadvertent harm by your therapist. Supervision safeguards you from any unintended negative impacts, because in supervision, your therapist is checking themselves to make sure that they are giving you the best quality of care and that they are not inadvertently putting their own feelings or priorities onto you.

Contrary to common misconception, supervision is not limited to new clinicians. In truth, many therapists consider supervision to be part of being an ethical therapist, and the most skilled clinicians continue receiving peer or other supervision throughout their careers.

Another aspect is that a therapist who gets supervision is probably a more humble clinician. It is important to find a therapist who has a combination of competence and humility. Without the therapist exhibiting humility, therapy can easily feel like you are not being understood, taken seriously, judged, or dismissed. It takes humility for a therapist, who has years of experience, to acknowledge their own humanity by continuing to check their work with another therapist.

Finally, the very fact that a clinician voluntarily invests in ongoing supervision when it is not required, and is a professional investment which often goes unnoticed, is a sign that the therapist has a genuine dedication to their clients' well-being and growth.

When you are searching for a therapist who receives regular supervision, there are a few points to keep in mind.

First, even if you find a clinician through a referral which indicates that the therapist receives supervision, it’s still best to ask the therapist directly. Just because they used to get supervision doesn’t mean that the therapist is actively utilizing it at the exact time that you are reaching out to them.

Next, it is essential to understand how often the therapist is getting supervision. Is the therapist only getting supervision informally from a friend once every few months, or is it regular and ongoing? If the therapist is getting ongoing supervision, it can give you some reassurance that they are continually checking in on their work, and making sure that their blind spots aren’t getting in the way of providing the best care.
(To anyone reading this column, if you are currently in therapy and haven’t yet asked, it is always okay and recommended to ask your therapist if they are getting supervision! Feel free to blame it on this article:).)

The ideas listed above are some of my suggested guidelines for choosing a therapist. However, even if you have a therapist who checks all the boxes listed above, they still may not feel like a good fit. There are many differences between clinicians and approaches, and some will feel better or worse for you. Notice what feels comfortable for you, and explore until you find a good fit. Furthermore, if anything feels wrong at any point during the treatment process, it is crucial to discuss it with your therapist, and that in itself may lead to further growth. Additionally, consulting with other therapists or people who are well-versed in the therapy process who you trust is always an option if you’re feeling uncertain.

Going to marriage therapy is a big step. With these points in mind, my hope is that it will be a very helpful, connecting experience for both of you!