Sharing Challenges with a Partner

Dear Therapist,

I generally have a great relationship with my husband. Recently, however, I’ve been going through a rough patch at work. I’ve been noticing that when I vent to my husband, he starts out very supportive but ends up getting overwhelmed pretty quickly. I've started to feel hesitant to share anything with him, and instead find myself telling him that everything is fine all the time, even though it feels wrong to me. What is the best way to go about this?

Response:

It sounds like you feel stuck between wanting to share and be supported, and shutting down emotionally so as not to overwhelm him. What a tough place!
I would like to help you and your husband find a way of connecting that feels mutually satisfying and provides security for both of you. It's so normal to, like you said in the question, go to what we call in therapy "all or nothing thinking", which means thinking along the lines of either I continue doing what I'm doing, or I stop sharing at all. However, the solution usually lies somewhere in between.

I have a few questions for you to think about to better assess the dynamic in these situations and increase clarity about next steps.

Firstly, when you vent to your husband, what does that look like for both of you? Do you start talking as soon as you both have a minute? Do you only speak at night, or when the kids are out or sleeping? Do you have some alone time prior to conversations? Do you check in with him about his day and then share, or start sharing first? There are no right or wrong answers to these questions, but they are important to keep in mind because oftentimes, spouses have differing preferences and expect their partner’s preferences to be the same.

Secondly, I wonder what it means when your husband gets overwhelmed. Does he agree that he is overwhelmed? Sometimes we can think that our partner is feeling one way, when in fact they have a very different perspective. If that is the case, then I would like for you to both come to more clarity on what is happening in those moments. If it turns out that you are both on the same page, I'd like you to pinpoint what makes you notice that he is getting overwhelmed. Does his body language or tone of voice change? Slowing down by identifying subtle shifts can help you decide when to share, when to check in, and when to hold off for another time.

However, what is more important is how you perceive your husband's overwhelm.

When people's behaviors impact us, we create meaning about them, the situation, and ourselves. For example, if you are walking down the street and slip on a wrapper, the meaning can be: "someone was so irresponsible to throw this on the floor" (about the other person), "This neighborhood is so dirty" (about the situation), and "I'm so clumsy" (about yourself). The meaning we create in all 3 of these areas contributes a lot to our responses. In the example I gave, these meanings can lead to feeling angry or tiptoeing down the rest of the block. It sounds like you are thinking about not sharing with your husband at all. I wonder what meaning you created around him being overwhelmed, if that plays a role in the conclusions you are thinking about, and how you can challenge those meanings.

Lastly, it can be helpful to explore your general communication patterns.

As partners, do you and your husband share minor frustrations as they come up, or hold off until things get big and then there is no way to hold it in? Do you acknowledge frustrations within yourself? Do you feel comfortable sharing with others, or does it feel like you are being a burden to others by sharing? Or, on the other end of the spectrum, do you feel like you most connect with others specifically when sharing challenges? Again, there are no right or wrong answers to any of these questions, I just want you to get a better sense of how your communication styles are playing out here.

My hope is that as you work through these questions and gain clarity, other options besides shutting down will start to come to you, and you will start to find the sweet spot for you and your husband in these moments.