Communication

Dear Therapist,

My partner and I have a lot of fun with each other and are able to have “light” conversations, but every time we try to have a real conversation about our relationship, it turns into a fight or one of us shuts down. It feels like we can’t talk about anything important without getting defensive, frustrated, or withdrawing completely. We both want to communicate better, but we don’t know how to break this cycle. How can we have meaningful conversations without them turning into battles or leaving us feeling even more disconnected?

Response:

Communication is the heart of how we connect with others. It is so important for growing and maintaining relationships, and is equally challenging. One of the main reasons couples come into therapy is because of struggles with communication, and communication is one of the major focuses of any type of marriage therapy. The good news is that communication is a learned skill, and learning and then consistently nurturing your communication skills will help you both grow more and more connected.

The cornerstone to any productive conversation is for both participants to feel heard and understood.

Therefore, the first step for you to do is to validate your wife. The definition that I like most for validation comes from Imago therapy, which is a form of couples therapy created by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. They define validation as any comment that gives over the message that the person speaking makes sense. That doesn’t mean you have to agree with them, it just means that if you were in their shoes, thinking from their perspective, you can understand why they would feel the way they do and come to the conclusions they come to. Your first goal in having the conversation should be to make sure you fully understand her perspective, to the point where it makes complete sense to you why she is reacting the way she is.

One of the main blocks to validation is defensiveness. Just by the fact that you wrote this letter, I imagine you are trying to do everything you can to improve the relationship and communication. Hearing complaints when you are so focused on doing the best you can can be upsetting, and often leads us to defend our perspective before fully understanding the nuances of our partner’s perspective. When you feel the urge to defend yourself, remind yourself that your first job is to fully understand her, and you will be able to express yourself after.

Once you’ve done that, the next step is to share your perspective. Explain what is going on for you, check with her if she gets it, and try to keep the focus on your feelings, not what you wish she would be doing differently. You can ask her to do the same thing you did- not defend her perspective until she fully understands it from your end.

Negative cycles

Oftentimes, in stressful situations, couples create negative cycles. During your conversation, it’s important to notice what patterns come up for both of you. What are the specific actions that you do, how does that make your wife feel, and then how does she react as a result? This is another place to practice curiosity for each other. Ask your wife what she notices when you are trying to start an important conversation, how that impacts her, and then how she reacts to you.

Here is an illustration of what a negative cycle looks like. During a tough conversation, your wife may notice you are avoiding eye contact. That can make her feel alone, and she might react by slightly raising her voice. Then, to complete the dance, her moves may lead you to feel like you can’t get this right, no matter how hard you try. Feeling that way can lead you to be less present, and therefore make even less eye contact. The case I mentioned may not be the cycle that both of you experience, but I want you to pinpoint your cycle together.

The reframe

Recognizing the negative cycle is the first step towards creating safety and connection in hard conversations. When couples are caught in these patterns, it's easy to lead to a sense of ”me versus you”. Reframing it as 'us against the cycle' allows you to stop this pattern and start to turn towards each other instead. One way to do that is by externalizing the cycle. Many couples find it helpful to name the cycle together as a way of externalizing it.

Once both of you have had conversations where you feel listened to, and you’ve taken the steps to work through the emotional dynamics at play underneath, your minds will quiet down. This happens because it is very calming to feel deeply understood, especially by our partners. An added benefit is that being in that mind state will open you up to creativity in problem solving. With this foundation, it will be much easier to start conversations, feel more productive, and most importantly, strengthen your connection!