Stuck in Conversations
Dear therapist,
I got married a year ago to someone I truly love and respect, but I’ve been feeling increasingly unsettled after what should be simple, day-to-day conversations. It took me a while to realize what’s been happening, but I finally put my finger on it. Whenever I share something small, like how I see a situation at work or a thought about a book, my husband responds by immediately explaining his own viewpoint. He isn’t doing it in a mean way and I don’t think he’s trying to put me down, but I leave feeling dismissed, and these conversations usually end up becoming debates and arguments. He tends to double down on his view, and I’ve started avoiding more and more conversations altogether. I know he cares deeply about me, and I don’t think he means harm, but I’m worried because this dynamic is creating distance between us. What can I do about this?
Response:
Before I respond with anything else, I want to acknowledge the empathy you are showing for your husband while recognizing your own needs and discomfort. The fact that you are able to hold this balance of caring for your husband and attending to your own needs speaks to how much you value your relationship. That ability will be an important strength to hold on to as you work through this dynamic.
The main theme that I’m hearing in your question is that you are sharing as a way of connecting, and your husband (without intending harm) is responding with logic and analysis. Oftentimes people respond in this fashion as a way for them to contribute or try to be helpful. The place where this gets sticky is when the response feels dismissive or evaluated instead of helping you feel heard. When that happens, it can easily turn the conversation into something feeling more like a debate.
This kind of mismatch is something emotionally focused therapy (EFT), a model used to help couples strengthen connection, speaks to directly. EFT divides couple interactions into two parts: the content of what is being said, and the emotions and meaning-making that you each give to the situation. The content includes the specifics of the conversation, the context, and how each of you responded. The emotions and meaning-making are things that happen under the surface, and don’t usually come up in the conversation explicitly. In fact, we are often unaware of them as they are going on without a conscious effort to understand them.
One way to visualize this is like a tree:
The content of your conversations are the branches, while the emotions and meaning underneath are the roots. If we don’t understand and work through the root of the situation, more branches will continue to grow.
So what is the root for you? When you share a part of your day or your perspective with your husband and you are met with logic, it can feel like you are being evaluated and like your inner world isn’t welcome. Having that experience can create a deep sense of loneliness.
This is where attachment comes in.
From birth, we’re wired for emotional attachment (to feel seen, heard, and emotionally accepted) because as infants, we need that connection to survive. This need continues into adulthood, and as adults, people most deeply emotionally attach and look for attunement in their romantic relationships. Because of this, when attunement isn’t there, it is normal to have strong reactions.
When we don’t feel emotionally attuned to our partner, we tend to respond in one of two ways: reaching out more urgently, or pulling away. It sounds like in your case, you are starting to withdraw. It makes so much sense that you are having this reaction, as withdrawing is a way of protecting yourself when sharing feels risky.
As you are becoming more aware of your emotions and reactions, it’s helpful to become curious about your husband’s emotions and reactions in order to better understand him. For example, you can say “when you respond with logic, I know you mean to be helpful, but it makes me feel unheard, and then I pull away.” The formula to use here is connecting your underlying meaning (feeling unheard) with your behavior (pulling away). Sharing this way keeps the focus on your experience of the dynamic instead of blame. It’s best to have this conversation at a time when you are both relatively calm (it doesn’t usually go as well in the heat of an argument).
From there, you can invite your husband to share his perspective with the goal of understanding him better. You can ask him what is happening for him in those moments, and how he is hoping you will receive it. This can help you both feel more like a team and build more mutual understanding and deeper intimacy.
Finally, it can be really helpful to name the deeper need underneath these conversations. He may be approaching them as intellectual discussions, without realizing that they’re a way to connect for you. Sharing that with him can give him the insight he needs to shift his approach.
The gift in ruptures
This dynamic that you are describing is a rupture in your relationship. Ruptures in relationships are inevitable. What matters most is that they get repaired. I find it helpful to visualize your connection as a rope, with you and your husband holding opposite ends. Ruptures are like the rope being cut. However, when you can repair that rupture, it is like tying a knot in the rope. Not only is the rope fixed, it is also shorter, which means that you are even closer.
