Extended Family

Dear therapist,

My wife and I have very different relationships with our families. My family is loving but they step back and allow us to make our own decisions. My wife on the other hand is very close with her family, and they’re involved in literally everything from the details about how we raise our kids to where we spend holidays. It feels to me like they are overstepping. When I bring this up to her, she gets defensive and says I don’t like her family. I don’t want this to always be an argument, but I need boundaries. How do we navigate this without making it a constant fight?

Response:

It can be really challenging when you and your wife come from such different family dynamics. When these differences create conflict, it’s easy for the dynamic to start to feel like it is you versus your spouse rather than both of you working together to figure out a challenging situation.

The first step to navigating these challenges is to reframe the dynamic. Instead of seeing the problem as something driving a wedge between you, I want to help you view it as you and your spouse versus the problem.

At the core of your relationship is a bond of connection built from both of your strengths. The external challenges that couples face, which can range from differences in opinions about family or finances to physical or mental health challenges, create noise that clouds your connection. When you can hold onto the idea that your bond is the core and not the external noise, you can approach these challenges from a place of teamwork rather than opposition.

The gift of curiosity

Once you have that foundation in mind, you can begin to get curious about what your wife is feeling. Curiosity is essential because it allows you to explore your spouse’s inner world without judgment about them or yourself. When you approach the situation with genuine interest and openness, solutions (and more importantly, connection) follows more easily. Disclaimer: As you go through this exercise, keep in mind that what comes up for her does not reflect what you did or didn’t do.

You might start by asking yourself what meaning and emotions come up for your wife when she sees their interactions as loving and supportive, and then she sees that you are unhappy about it? Does she take that as criticism of her family? Seeing that you disapprove may feel to her like not only is her family being criticized, but that the values and identity that she grew up with are being criticized. That can easily lead her to react defensively. Is she feeling conflicted and torn between you and her family? If she has always been close to them, it might feel to her that she’s being asked to choose between you and them, which can create inner conflict. Does she feel misunderstood? Is she hearing (even if you are not implying it!) that her family is bad in some way, or that she is wrong for wanting to be close to them? Is she afraid that the outcome of a conversation will lead her to need to set boundaries, and if doing so will damage her connection with her family?

It’s equally important to do the same exercise for yourself. What meaning and emotions come up for you in this situation? Do you feel unimportant or sidelined? Sometimes when one partner regularly defends their family, it can feel like the other’s voice or needs are being overlooked. Do you feel frustrated and powerless because much of what you’ve tried to do hasn’t worked? Do you feel misunderstood? Often when our spouse is defending themselves, we can feel like there is no space where we are heard, which can increase resentment. Are you feeling insecure about your spot in your wife’s heart? If her family’s influence appears stronger to you than your own input, it can lead to doubts about your place as an equal partner.

To sum up, your frustration may not be just about the in-laws- it can be about wanting to feel like a team and equals. If that is the case, I wonder if your wife is aware of this, or if she’s reacting to the fear of losing her family instead of the actual request.

The conversation

When you have a better idea about what comes up for both of you, you can talk about it in a more meaningful way. Now you can have a conversation to understand her perspective and to help her understand how this dynamic impacts you emotionally. When you come from a mindset of genuinely trying to understand your wife’s perspective, the conversation will flow differently, and you will feel that you are on the same team.

In the conversation, when you want to discuss practical solutions, try shifting the conversation to focus on your relationship. For example, you might say something like “I know how much your family means to you, and I don’t want to come in between that. I also need us to be on the same team when it comes to making decisions for our family. What would work for both of us?”

It can also help to clarify specific boundaries that would make you feel more comfortable. These might include how often they visit, their input on parenting, or their influence on holiday plans.

The more you frame the conversation as a partnership rather than a fight, the more both of you can feel like a team working together through this challenge.