Why Do I Overreact in My Relationship?

Many people come into therapy feeling confused or ashamed about how strongly they react in their closest relationships. They describe moments where a small comment leads to tears, anger, shutdown, or a sense of panic that feels out of proportion to what just happened.

From the outside, these reactions can look excessive. From the inside, they feel intense, urgent, and hard to control. People often ask some version of the same question. Why do I overreact with the person I love most.

The short answer is that these reactions are not a flaw in your character or a sign that something is wrong with you. They are a reflection of how human nervous systems are wired for connection.

This article builds on the ideas explored in the broader Wired for Connection framework, which explains why couples get stuck in painful cycles and how emotional safety is rebuilt over time.

Overreaction Is a Nervous System Response

As adults, we like to believe that we are primarily rational and self controlled. We manage work, parenting, and daily responsibilities with competence. And yet, in moments of emotional pain with a partner, many people feel suddenly overwhelmed.

This happens because close relationships activate very old wiring in the brain and body. From infancy, humans depend on caregivers for survival. Our nervous systems develop around a core question. Are you there for me.

When emotional connection feels secure, the nervous system stays relatively calm. When connection feels threatened through criticism, distance, dismissal, or misunderstanding, the nervous system shifts into protection mode. This shift happens automatically and quickly.

In those moments, the parts of the brain responsible for reflection and perspective taking go offline. Survival systems take over. This is why it becomes so hard to pause, think clearly, or respond gently during conflict.

What looks like overreaction is often a sign that something meaningful feels at risk.

Why Small Moments Can Feel So Big

People are often surprised by what triggers their reactions. A tone of voice, a delayed text, or a brief comment can suddenly feel overwhelming.

These moments tap into what attachment researchers call raw spots. Raw spots are emotional sensitivities shaped by past experiences in relationships. They often revolve around fears of not mattering, being rejected, failing, or being unlovable.

When a raw spot is touched, the body responds as if a much larger threat is present. The intensity does not match the moment because the nervous system is reacting to stored emotional meaning, not just what is happening right now.

Understanding this can be relieving. It helps explain why logic alone rarely calms intense reactions. The body needs safety before the mind can engage.

Protest and Pulling Away Are Two Common Reactions

When connection feels threatened, people tend to protect themselves in one of two broad ways.

Some people protest. They may raise their voice, push harder, argue intensely, or demand reassurance. Underneath protest is a longing to feel close again and a fear of being emotionally abandoned.

Others pull away. They may go quiet, withdraw, or shut down emotionally. Underneath withdrawal is often a fear of making things worse or feeling inadequate.

Both responses are attempts to stay safe and preserve connection. Neither means that someone cares less. In fact, these reactions usually show how much the relationship matters.

Why Overreaction Persists Even When You Know Better

Many people say some version of this. I know I am overreacting, but I cannot stop.

Insight alone is rarely enough to change nervous system responses. When the body is activated, it is operating from protection, not choice. This is why repeated conversations about what should happen often fail to change what actually happens in the moment.

Change begins with slowing things down and learning to notice early signs of activation. A tightening chest, a racing heart, or an urge to defend can become cues to pause rather than push forward.

With practice, people learn how to respond to these signals with curiosity instead of judgment.

How Overreaction Fits Into Relationship Cycles

Overreaction does not happen in isolation. It is usually part of a larger pattern between partners.

One person’s protest often leads to the other’s withdrawal. That withdrawal then intensifies the first person’s fear, leading to more protest. Over time, couples can feel trapped in the same arguments, even when they want something different.

This cycle is explored in more depth in the Wired for Connection article, which explains why couples fight about the same things repeatedly and how these patterns take hold.

Seeing the cycle as the problem rather than blaming yourself or your partner creates space for compassion and change.

What Actually Helps When Reactions Feel Too Big

Reducing overreaction does not mean suppressing emotion or becoming detached. It involves building emotional safety and responsiveness over time.

Helpful steps often include:

Learning to name what is happening in your body during conflict

Sharing the softer emotion underneath anger or shutdown

Practicing validation rather than persuasion

Taking pauses when activation is high and returning to the conversation later

These skills take practice and often feel awkward at first. Over time, they help nervous systems settle and make new responses possible.

Moving Toward Self Compassion and Change

Overreacting in a relationship is not a failure of maturity. It is a sign that connection matters deeply.

When people begin to understand their reactions through this attachment-based lens, shame often softens. Curiosity grows. Partners become more willing to slow down and respond to each other with care.

Whether you are reflecting on this on your own or exploring it in couples therapy in Queens, the goal is not to eliminate emotional reactions. The goal is to understand them well enough to choose connection rather than letting the cycle run the relationship.

Strong reactions make sense. With awareness and support, they can also change.

Michal Goldman, LCSW, is a marriage therapist in New York specializing in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and discernment counseling. She helps couples move from disconnection to understanding and connection— whether they’re rebuilding trust, navigating ambivalence, or learning to communicate more effectively.
Learn more about her work or schedule a consultation at michalgoldmanlcsw.org/about.