Empathy Is a Skill, Not Just a Personality Trait: How Couples Can Learn to Feel More Connected

Many people believe empathy is something you either have or you don't.

Some people seem naturally compassionate. They know exactly what to say when someone is upset. They can sit quietly, listen deeply, and make others feel understood without much effort.

Other people are different. They care deeply, but their instinct is to jump into action. When someone they love is struggling, their first thought is often: "How can I fix this?"

Over time, these differences can become part of how couples define themselves.

"I'm just not emotional."

"I'm a problem solver."

"My partner is much more sensitive than I am."

"I've always been this way."

In my work with couples, including through marriage counseling in Queens, I often hear people describe these patterns as fixed parts of their personality. But what if some of the things we think are personality traits are actually skills we haven't learned yet?

The way we respond to our partner's emotions can be changed. Empathy is not only an instinct—it is also a skill.

Why Empathy Can Feel Difficult for Some People

When someone we love is upset, many of us experience an immediate urge to do something.

We offer suggestions. We explain why things happened. We try to make the problem smaller. We remind our partner of the positive side.

Usually, this comes from a loving place.

A partner who says, "You should talk to your boss about that," may not be dismissing their spouse's feelings. They may actually be communicating, "I believe in you. I want to help you make this better."

The difficulty is that emotional support and problem-solving are not always the same thing.

Sometimes the person sharing a difficult experience isn't looking for a solution. They are looking for connection.

They want to feel that someone else understands what the moment was like for them.

This distinction is one of the areas many couples explore in couples therapy in Queens. Often, the challenge isn't a lack of love. It's that partners are expressing care in different ways.

The Difference Between Sympathy, Empathy, and Problem-Solving

Understanding the difference between these responses can completely change the way couples communicate.

Sympathy often sounds like:

"That sounds really hard."

It acknowledges that someone is struggling, but it may not communicate a deep understanding of their emotional experience.

Problem-solving sounds like:

"Here's what you should do."

This can be helpful when someone is ready for solutions, but it may feel overwhelming if they first need emotional support.

Empathy sounds more like:

"I can imagine how frustrating that must have felt."

"I understand why that hurt."

"It makes sense that you felt overwhelmed."

Empathy does not mean agreeing with everything your partner says or deciding that they are right. It simply means showing that you understand their emotional experience.

For many couples, this small shift can create a significant change.

Empathy Is Built Through Small Moments

One reason people struggle with empathy is because they imagine it requires a complete personality transformation.

It doesn't.

You don't need to become someone who naturally knows the perfect thing to say. You don't need to sit silently for an hour while your partner processes their emotions.

Instead, empathy can be built through small, intentional choices.

For example, someone who tends to give advice immediately might start by waiting ten seconds before responding.

Someone who feels uncomfortable with emotions might practice asking one additional question:

"What was that like for you?"

Someone who tends to minimize problems might practice simply acknowledging the difficulty:

"That sounds like it was a really stressful day."

Small changes repeated consistently can create new patterns in a relationship.

What Happens When We See Empathy as a Skill?

When couples believe their communication patterns are fixed, they often feel stuck.

One partner may think:

"My spouse just doesn't care about my feelings."

The other may think:

"No matter what I do, it's never enough."

But when couples begin to see communication as a skill, the conversation changes.

Instead of blaming each other, they can become curious.

"Maybe I have a tendency to jump into solutions."

"Maybe my partner needs more emotional reassurance before we discuss next steps."

This shift from criticism to curiosity is often where change begins.

A Real-Life Example: Moving From Fixing to Connecting

Imagine a couple where one partner comes home after receiving difficult feedback at work.

Their first instinct is to explain why the feedback was unfair and suggest how to handle the situation differently.

The other partner becomes quiet and withdraws.

Over time, the first partner may feel confused:

"I'm trying to help. Why are they pulling away?"

The second partner may feel alone:

"Why does my partner care more about fixing this than understanding how I feel?"

Through therapy, they begin practicing a different pattern.

The partner sharing the experience learns to communicate what they need: "I don't need advice right now. I just need a few minutes to talk."

The listening partner learns to pause and respond with empathy before moving toward solutions.

Neither person has to become someone they're not.

They are simply learning a new way to connect.

Can Anyone Become More Empathetic?

Yes.

While some people may naturally find emotional conversations easier, empathy is not reserved for certain personality types. It is a skill that can grow with awareness and practice.

The first step is noticing your own patterns.

Do you immediately try to fix things?

Do you become uncomfortable when your partner is upset?

Do you feel responsible for making difficult emotions disappear?

These reactions are common. The goal is not to judge yourself for having them. The goal is to become more intentional about how you respond.

Frequently Asked Questions About Building Empathy in Relationships

What if my partner says I am not empathetic?

Many people hear this as criticism and become defensive. Instead, try becoming curious. Ask your partner, "What would feeling supported look like for you in those moments?" Often, couples discover they have different ideas of what support means.

Is empathy the same thing as agreeing with my partner?

No. Empathy means understanding your partner's emotional experience. You can validate someone's feelings without agreeing with every opinion, decision, or interpretation.

What if I am naturally a problem solver?

Being a problem solver is not a bad thing. Many people with this strength are caring, responsible, and dependable partners. The goal is not to eliminate problem-solving—it is to learn when emotional connection needs to come first.

Can therapy help couples become more empathetic?

Yes. In marriage counseling in Queens, couples can learn to identify patterns that create distance and practice new ways of responding. Many couples discover that improving emotional connection does not require changing who they are—it requires learning new relationship skills.

Building a More Connected Relationship

Strong relationships are not built because two people naturally communicate perfectly. They are built because two people are willing to learn, grow, and understand each other more deeply.

Empathy is one of the most powerful skills couples can develop because it helps partners feel less alone. When we slow down enough to understand our partner's experience, we create the foundation for deeper trust and connection.

If you are looking for marriage counseling in Queens, I work with couples who want to improve communication, strengthen their emotional connection, and develop healthier patterns in their relationship.

Learn more about my approach to marriage counseling here:
https://www.michalgoldmanlcsw.org/marriage-counseling-in-queens

About the Author:

Michal Goldman, LCSW, is a couples therapist in Queens specializing in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples, premarital counseling in NY, and discernment counseling. She helps couples move from disconnection to understanding and connection— whether they’re rebuilding trust, navigating ambivalence, or learning to communicate more effectively.
Learn more about her work or schedule a consultation at michalgoldmanlcsw.org/about.