Questions to Ask a Marriage Therapist in New York Before Your First Session

So you’ve decided to take the plunge and start marriage therapy. Right away, you’ve probably bumped up against a hurdle- finding the right marriage therapist in New York. As a therapist and a consumer, I know how overwhelming the process can feel. There are many therapists, and you want to make sure that you are finding someone who you will make progress with.

The good news is that you don’t have to know everything about every therapist and every therapy to make a good choice. At the same time, it’s important to be an informed consumer and ask questions to make sure that the therapist you choose is a good fit for your relationship.

Here are some questions that I’d recommend asking your therapist during a complementary consultation. The answers will hopefully give you more of an insight into the way the therapist works, and if they would be a good fit for your concerns.

1. What kind of training do you have in couples therapy?

Marriage therapy is a specialized field and is different from individual therapy. A therapist who is well-trained in individual therapy may not have the training necessary to do couples therapy effectively and safely. It’s important to find a marriage therapist who has post-graduate training (as extensive as possible!) in a specific couples therapy modality. I like to think of this as your insurance policy confirming that you are being treated in an effective and safe way (we want to make sure your relationship will be helped, not harmed).

Look for a therapist who has training in a specific model of couples therapy that is research-backed and proven to help couples like you. Some examples are emotionally focused therapy for couples (EFT), Gottman method, and Imago therapy. Feel free to do your own research on the model of therapy that the therapist uses- you want to be sure it has evidence of working and that it feels right to you!

If you’d like to learn more about EFT and how it helps couples reconnect, you can read more on my Marriage Counseling in Queens page.

2. Do you get regular consultation/supervision?

I believe very strongly in the need for every therapist to get consultation, regardless of how long they have been in the field for. In fact, one of my pet projects is spreading this awareness to therapists and clients.

The reason for this is that therapy is a relationship between two (or more in the case of couples therapy) human beings, and it is easy for therapists to have their own life experiences or insecurities get in the way of doing good work with their clients.

If a therapist gets consultation, it means that they have the humility to recognize their own humanness and make sure that they are providing the best care for clients.

I’ve seen therapists who are highly skilled and seen as great therapists end up harming their clients because they didn’t have a place to check themselves.

It’s also important check that the therapist is getting regular supervision- not just once every few months. The continuity of the consultation shows that the therapist is in a continued growth state and wants to ensure that they are providing the best possible care for you as a client.

3. How do you handle conflict in the session?

Many couples worry that therapy will turn into another argument. Conflict does come up at times in couples work- after all, you are talking about very fraught topics. However, a good marriage therapist is trained in deescalating and using conflict to help you grow as opposed to making things work.

Your therapist shouldn’t become a mediator of your arguments. They should help you understand what’s underneath the conflict and change those patterns so that you start having less and less conflict outside of the session, and don’t need to bring it in after some point.

You might listen for words like safety, pattern, or connection in their response. These are clues that the therapist is focused on helping you get to the heart of what’s happening between you. Regardless, please make sure that your therapist will work with the big picture, and your sessions won’t be just about rehashing the weekly argument (although it’s okay for that to happen as part of getting towards the larger goal).

4. Have you worked with couples like us before?

Every couple’s story is unique, but certain themes like communication struggles, betrayal, financial difficulties, emotional/sexual distance, or questions about whether to stay together are common.

Just like it’s important to choose a therapist who specializes in couples therapy, it can be helpful to find a therapist who works with your main pain point. The therapist you choose should be able to give general guidelines about how they approach situations like yours.

5. What’s your view on staying together versus separating?

This is an important question if one or both of you feels unsure about the future.

Some therapists take a “pro-marriage” stance, while others prioritize individual happiness. A balanced marriage therapist will respect both partners’ perspectives and help you clarify what’s best for you, without pressure or bias (this is one example of why I strongly suggest making sure your therapist is getting consultation).

Notice how I emphasize “you” in the paragraph above. Your therapist should not be giving you an answer about staying or going (unless it is a clear case of abuse or harm). They should be helping you decide what feels best for yourself. I often tell clients that I’ve seen people who I thought would definitely get divorced go on to have a happy marriage, and I’ve seen people who I thought would definitely be happily married get divorced. At the end of the day, the therapist is the expert in relationship tools, but you are the expert in your own relationship. A therapist is not trained as a judge or teller of the future.

If you’re in this kind of mixed-agenda situation, you may want to ask whether the therapist offers discernment counseling, a short-term process designed to help couples decide whether to work on the relationship or move toward separation with clarity and respect.

6. How do you keep therapy on track?

Therapy is a process. You’ll want a therapist who can help you set clear goals and track progress along the way.

I regularly check in with my clients about how they feel about the work and how they see their own progress, and make sure to reevaluate the treatment plan as necessary.

Change often happens slowly, and we don’t want to push things unnaturally. At the same time, your therapist should be keeping you on track and looking toward the goals throughout the work. Also, if the therapy isn’t working, your therapist should discuss other options with you. This shows that they are fully invested in your healing.

Final Thoughts

Finding a marriage therapist in New York is about finding someone you can both feel safe with, who understands your relationship, and who has the tools to guide you through change. It can sometimes feel overwhelming to start the process, but with these questions, you will be more equipped to tackle the therapist list.

If you’d like a step-by-step overview of how to choose the right therapist for your relationship, read The Complete Guide to Finding a Marriage Therapist in New York for a deeper dive into what matters most when choosing someone to trust with your marriage.

About the Author

Michal Goldman, LCSW, is a marriage therapist in New York specializing in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and discernment counseling. She helps couples move from disconnection to understanding and connection— whether they’re rebuilding trust, navigating ambivalence, or learning to communicate more effectively.
Learn more about her work or schedule a consultation at michalgoldmanlcsw.org/about.