What to Expect in Your First Marriage Therapy Session in New York
Many couples arrive to their first marriage therapy session in New York feeling some mixture of hope, anxiety/ fear, vulnerability, numbness, and relief. Some of these may resonate with you, or you may be feeling something different. Some couples haven’t talked about certain topics for months. Some argue on the way to the appointment. Some people joke. Others sit quietly, unsure what to say first or who should go first.
All of this is normal! Starting anything new comes the strangeness of it, and with couples therapy, which is about a big relationship in your life, it makes sense that you may be having a wide range of responses.
The first session is meant to be a time where the therapist gets a better feel for you and your relationship (and you get a feel for your therapist. The therapist should help you both feel as grounded, understood, and safe as possible.
Here’s a gentle, clear guide to what your first session will look like with a marriage therapist in New York.
1. Make Yourself Comfortable
Before anything else, your therapist will help you feel settled. As a consumer, you need to feel comfortable with your therapist in order to do the best work possible. A lot of what will come up in therapy can feel vulnerable, raw, and uncomfortable (although there will also be connection, joy and laughter), and it can be very hard to work through it if you aren’t comfortable with your therapist.
The pacing of the session should feel good to you. Usually, I pace the first few sessions a bit slower than future sessions as we get to know each other. However, your therapist won’t always know off the bat what pacing works best for you and your relationship. Don’t hesitate to speak to your therapist if it feels to slow or too quick/overwhelming. (And if they respond by dismissing you or getting defensive, that is good information for you in deciding if you’d like to continue with them.)
If you want a sense of the therapeutic approach I use, you can learn more on my Marriage Counseling in Queens page.
2. Discussing Your Reason For Coming
Some of the first session will be spent on you sharing why you are showing up for therapy now. Some therapists like to focus on the situations that brought you there, some focus on the dynamics between both of you, and some focus on your goals.
Regardless of the focus of the therapist, the two main points to get out of this are 1- to make sure that you and the therapist are aligned on goals for your work together, and 2- to make sure that you feel heard and that you and the therapist are confident that you will do good work together.
Some people don’t want to stop speaking and some people have a hard time figuring out what to say. Either way is okay- your therapist is there to guide you through it and smooth it out for you.
3. Both Partners Get Space to Share Their Experience
In marriage therapy, both of you should feel fully heard. Most couples therapists take turns between partners to make sure that each person is able to share their experience.
Most conversations outside of couples therapy are less structured, so this may feel weird at first. Like many of the other points discussed, it can bring up emotions ranging from discomfort/frustration (“I have something to respond urgently, but now I have to wait for him to finish everything?!”), to relief (“I finally get a chance to fully express what I’ve been feeling”), to everything in between.
4. You’ll Begin Identifying the Pattern Between You (Not Who’s “Right”)
Marriage therapy shouldn’t be about “the fight of the week”.
Your therapist should focus on the dynamic between both of you, and how that keeps you both stuck in a rough patch. As a couples therapist, I do point out things that I notice partners doing that keep them stuck in a cycle, BUT within the context that they are coming from a place of trying to help something in themselves or the relationship.
There should not be any feeling of judgement, or that your therapist views one of you as the “good guy” and one of you as the “bad guy”. The goal is fixing the relationship dynamics, not changing one of you.
Marriage therapy is contraindicated in cases of domestic violence/abuse. In those cases there is a right and wrong, but that is not what we are talking about here!
5. Your Therapist May Check In About Safety and Stability
A good marriage therapist in New York will make sure that therapy is effective and safe for you. They will do this by assessing for
Emotional or physical safety concerns
Recent significant betrayals
Active substance use that affects functioning
Whether either partner is considering separation
The therapist may ask you some of these questions directly, and may assess some more indirectly. All of these can impact your therapy work, and this ensures that you are getting the best care possible.
If one or both partners are unsure about staying together, your therapist may discuss whether discernment counseling is a better first step (You can also read more about it here)
6. You’ll Learn What the Therapeutic Process Will Look Like
Some of the first session will be focused on orienting you to the therapeutic process.
Your therapist will explain (not an exhaustive list:
How often you’ll meet
Whether individual sessions are included
What the process of therapy looks like
What progress tends to look like
Whether they hold secrets between partners
How they handle moments of conflict in session
If you don’t fully understand, you have the right to ask as many questions as you need. This is your therapy, and you deserve to be clear on what is happening any why
8. You Don’t Have to “Fix Everything” in Session One (you probably won’t)
Sometimes, especially if you waited to come to therapy for a while, couples have a sense of pressure in wanting to speak about everything and resolve everything right away. In the beginning of marriage therapy, the therapist needs to get to know you both, and after the first few sessions, you might still feel like there is more to discuss that you haven’t been able to get to.
Usually after the beginning stage of therapy, that feeling subsides as the work starts building momentum. Again, speak to your therapist if you’re concerned.
9. Relief
Many couples who come into the first session feeling nervous or uncertain leave feeling a sense of hope and relief. If you feel comfortable with and confident in your therapist, you can leave knowing that your concerns are going to be addressed, and you’re on the path towards growth.
If you want help choosing the right therapist for your relationship, you may want to read
The Complete Guide to Finding a Marriage Therapist in New York, which is a step-by-step roadmap to making this important decision with confidence.
About the Author
Michal Goldman, LCSW, is a marriage therapist in New York specializing in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and discernment counseling. She helps couples move from disconnection to understanding and connection— whether they’re rebuilding trust, navigating ambivalence, or learning to communicate more effectively.
Learn more about her work or schedule a consultation at michalgoldmanlcsw.org/about.
