Many couples describe a familiar and painful pattern. One partner pushes harder during conflict, raising concerns repeatedly or expressing frustration with urgency. The other shuts down, withdraws, or seems to disappear emotionally. Both feel hurt. Both feel alone. And both are often confused about why they keep missing each other.

This pattern is not random. It grows out of how attachment needs and nervous system responses interact under stress.

This article builds on the Wired for Connection framework, which explains why couples get stuck in painful cycles and how understanding those cycles helps restore emotional safety.

What Raw Spots Really Are

Raw spots are emotional sensitivities that develop through our experiences in close relationships. They are the places where we are most easily hurt, not because we are weak, but because these needs matter deeply.

A raw spot might involve fears of being unimportant, abandoned, rejected, or failing someone we love. For some people, it centers on feeling criticized or inadequate. For others, it centers on feeling alone or unseen.

When a raw spot is touched, the nervous system reacts quickly. The body responds before the mind has time to reflect. This is why reactions can feel sudden and intense, even when the situation seems small on the surface.

Protest Is a Bid for Connection

When connection feels threatened, some people respond by protesting. Protest behaviors can include criticizing, raising one’s voice, pushing for reassurance, or repeatedly bringing up the same concern.

From the outside, protest can look aggressive or controlling. From the inside, it often feels desperate. Protest is driven by a fear of losing emotional connection and a hope that intensity will finally get the partner to respond.

Protest is not about wanting conflict. It is about wanting closeness and fearing disconnection.

Pulling Away Is Also Protection

Other people protect themselves by pulling away. They may go quiet, change the subject, physically leave the room, or emotionally shut down.

Pulling away is often misunderstood as indifference or lack of care. In reality, it is usually driven by fear of making things worse, fear of failing, or fear of being overwhelmed.

For many withdrawers, silence feels safer than saying the wrong thing. Distance feels like a way to stabilize the situation, even though it often has the opposite effect.

How Protest and Withdrawal Feed Each Other

Protest and withdrawal tend to lock together into a powerful cycle.

One partner’s protest increases intensity. That intensity overwhelms the other partner, who pulls away to cope. The withdrawal then feels like rejection or abandonment, which escalates the protest. Over time, both partners become more rigid in their roles.

Neither partner causes the cycle alone. The pattern is co-created and maintained by both nervous systems reacting to perceived threat.

This article explores how these cycles form and why couples often feel stuck repeating them despite good intentions.

Why Both Partners Feel Unseen

One of the most painful aspects of this pattern is that both partners feel misunderstood.

The protesting partner often feels ignored, unimportant, or emotionally abandoned. The withdrawing partner often feels criticized, inadequate, or pressured to perform.

Because both nervous systems are activated, neither person feels safe enough to hear the other clearly. Each is focused on protecting themselves from hurt.

Understanding this helps shift the conversation away from blame and toward empathy.

What Actually Helps Shift This Pattern

Changing a protest withdrawal cycle does not mean asking one partner to stop reacting while the other stays the same. Both sides of the pattern need care.

Helpful steps often include:

Slowing down interactions when intensity rises
Helping the protesting partner share the softer emotion underneath anger or urgency
Helping the withdrawing partner feel safer staying engaged without fear of failure
Practicing validation so both partners feel understood
Naming the cycle as the problem rather than blaming each other

These shifts often feel unfamiliar at first. Over time, they create more emotional safety for both partners.

Moving Toward Connection Instead of Protection

Protest and pulling away are not signs of incompatibility. They are signs of nervous systems doing their best to protect connection and safety.

When couples begin to understand their raw spots and protective strategies, compassion often replaces judgment. Partners become more willing to slow down, soften, and respond to each other with care.

Whether couples are learning about this on their own or exploring it in couples therapy in Queens, the goal is not to eliminate strong emotions. The goal is to help both partners feel safe enough to stay emotionally present with each other.

When protection gives way to connection, new patterns become possible.

Michal Goldman, LCSW, is a marriage therapist in New York specializing in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and discernment counseling. She helps couples move from disconnection to understanding and connection— whether they’re rebuilding trust, navigating ambivalence, or learning to communicate more effectively.
Learn more about her work or schedule a consultation at michalgoldmanlcsw.org/about.

Raw Spots, Protesting, and Pulling Away