The Battle to Be Understood
Many couples describe arguments that feel less about the topic at hand and more about a deep sense of not being heard. Conversations escalate quickly. Both partners explain, clarify, and defend their perspective, yet somehow each feels more misunderstood by the end than at the beginning.
This experience is incredibly common and deeply painful. It is also one of the clearest examples of how our need for emotional connection can unintentionally pull couples into disconnection.
This article builds on the Wired for Connection framework, which explores why couples get stuck in painful cycles and how shifting the focus toward emotional safety helps restore closeness.
Why Feeling Understood Matters So Much
Feeling understood is not just emotionally comforting. It is regulating for the nervous system. When someone important to us truly gets our experience, our body settles. We feel safer, calmer, and more open.
When understanding feels absent, the nervous system reacts. Heart rate increases. Muscles tense. Thoughts narrow. In those moments, the drive to explain ourselves intensifies because being understood feels essential to restoring safety.
This is why arguments so often turn into long explanations or debates. Each partner is trying to secure emotional safety by making their inner world visible.
How the Battle Begins
The battle to be understood usually starts with good intentions. One partner shares a frustration or concern. The other hears it through the lens of their own raw spots and feels blamed, criticized, or inadequate.
That reaction leads them to defend their perspective. The first partner then feels unheard and pushes harder. Both partners become focused on explaining rather than listening.
As intensity rises, the capacity to take in new information drops. Each person feels increasingly alone, even though both are actively talking.
Why Explaining More Rarely Helps
In moments of emotional activation, the part of the brain responsible for reflection and integration goes offline. This makes it very hard to absorb nuance or hold multiple perspectives at once.
When couples continue explaining during these moments, they often feel more entrenched rather than more understood. The nervous system interprets ongoing explanation as pressure, which increases defensiveness or withdrawal.
This is why many couples leave arguments feeling exhausted and disconnected, even when they spent a long time talking.
Shifting the Goal From Agreement to Connection
One of the most powerful shifts couples can make is changing the goal of a difficult conversation. Instead of aiming for agreement or resolution, the goal becomes emotional connection.
Connection is built when one partner feels that the other understands their internal experience. This involves reflecting back what was heard and why it would feel painful, important, or stressful.
Validation does not require agreement. It requires curiosity and willingness to step into the other person’s emotional world.
When partners feel understood, their nervous systems settle. Only then does problem solving become possible.
What Validation Actually Looks Like
Validation is often misunderstood as saying the other person is right. In reality, it sounds more like acknowledging emotional logic.
Examples include reflecting what your partner said, naming the feeling underneath, and expressing why their reaction makes sense given their experience.
When people feel validated, they usually soften. Anger gives way to sadness, fear, or longing. These emotions invite connection rather than distance.
When Understanding Changes the Emotional Temperature
As understanding increases, the emotional temperature of a conversation drops. Partners interrupt less. Defensiveness decreases. There is more space to think and respond intentionally.
This does not mean every conversation ends in agreement. It means both people leave feeling less alone and more emotionally connected.
Over time, practicing this shift changes the overall tone of the relationship. Conflicts become less threatening and easier to repair.
Practicing This at Home
Helpful steps that I recommend couples often practice include:
Slowing the conversation when intensity rises
Summarizing what your partner shared before responding
Naming why their experience makes sense from their perspective
Staying focused on understanding rather than persuading
These skills take time to develop. At first, they can feel awkward or unnatural. With practice, they begin to feel more intuitive.
Moving Out of the Battle
The battle to be understood is not a sign that a relationship is failing. It is a sign that both partners care deeply and want to feel close.
When couples learn to reach for understanding instead of explanation, something important shifts. Conversations feel less like competitions and more like collaborations.
Whether couples are exploring these ideas on their own or in couples counseling in Queens, learning how to prioritize understanding creates a foundation of emotional safety that supports long term connection.
Understanding does not end conflict. It changes what conflict leads to.
Michal Goldman, LCSW, is a marriage therapist in New York specializing in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and discernment counseling. She helps couples move from disconnection to understanding and connection— whether they’re rebuilding trust, navigating ambivalence, or learning to communicate more effectively.
Learn more about her work or schedule a consultation at michalgoldmanlcsw.org/about.
