How to stop an argument
Many couples say they know what they want to communicate, but once an argument starts, everything escalates too quickly. Voices rise. Defensiveness sets in. By the time the conversation ends, both partners feel disconnected and regretful.
This is not because couples lack insight or intention. It is because once the nervous system is activated, it becomes very hard to respond thoughtfully. Learning to pause is one of the most effective ways to interrupt this pattern.
This article builds on the Wired for Connection framework, which explains how emotional safety is disrupted and restored in close relationships.
Content Versus Process
Every conflict has two layers. Content refers to what couples are arguing about, such as schedules, chores, parenting, or money. Process refers to how the argument unfolds and what emotions are activated beneath the surface.
When process becomes heated, content almost always gets lost. Feeling blamed, unheard, or dismissed makes it extremely difficult to think flexibly or collaborate.
In couples counseling in Queens, much of the early work involves helping partners recognize when process has taken over, so they can slow things down before the conversation spirals.
How the Body Signals the Need to Pause
The body often knows before the mind does that something is going wrong. A racing heart, shallow breathing, tightness in the chest, or a sharp change in tone are all signs of nervous system activation.
These signals are not a failure of self control. They are cues that the system is moving into protection mode.
Learning to notice these cues gives couples an opportunity to intervene earlier rather than pushing through until things explode.
What a Pause Actually Is
A pause does not mean shutting down or avoiding the issue. It means slowing the interaction just enough to regain some internal regulation.
This might involve taking a few deep breaths, naming what you are feeling underneath, or asking for a brief break with a plan to return to the conversation.
When even one partner can pause, the emotional temperature often drops for both.
Why Pausing Changes the Outcome
Pausing creates space. It allows the nervous system to settle and brings reflective capacity back online.
From this place, partners are more able to share vulnerability instead of reacting defensively. They can listen with curiosity instead of preparing a rebuttal.
Over time, practicing the pause changes the habit of how couples fight. Conflicts still arise, but they are less likely to spiral into disconnection.
Practicing the Pause Together
Helpful steps I recommend couples try include:
Noticing physical signs of activation
Naming the feeling underneath the reaction
Asking to slow down the conversation
Returning to the topic once both feel more settled
At first, this practice can feel awkward or forced. With repetition, it becomes more natural and easier to access in real time.
Moving Toward Repair
The goal of pausing is not perfection. It is repair. Learning how to come back to each other more quickly and with more gentleness builds trust over time.
Whether couples are practicing this on their own or with the support of marriage counseling Queens NY, the pause is one of the most powerful tools for protecting connection during conflict.
Pausing creates the conditions for understanding, responsiveness, and repair to happen.
About the Author:
Michal Goldman, LCSW, is a marriage therapist in New York specializing in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and discernment counseling. She helps couples move from disconnection to understanding and connection— whether they’re rebuilding trust, navigating ambivalence, or learning to communicate more effectively.
Learn more about her work or schedule a consultation at michalgoldmanlcsw.org/about.
