How to Make a Decision as a Couple

Some conflicts do not resolve easily, no matter how well couples communicate. Partners may understand each other deeply, care about each other, and still feel stuck. These moments often feel heavier than everyday arguments and can create a sense of helplessness.

This kind of impasse is common and deeply human. It does not mean a relationship is failing. It means the situation itself is genuinely difficult.

This article builds on the Wired for Connection framework, which explores how couples can stay emotionally connected even when life presents painful dilemmas.

What Makes a Conflict a Standstill

Standstills usually involve issues that touch values, identity, or long term life direction. Decisions about where to live, how to care for aging parents, career changes, or family planning often fall into this category.

In these situations, there is no clear compromise that meets both partners’ needs fully. One or both people may have to give up something important.

Because the stakes feel so high, anxiety increases and conversations often go in circles.

When the Relationship Starts to Feel Like the Problem

As anxiety rises, partners may begin to associate the relationship itself with distress. Conversations feel tense before they even begin. Avoidance becomes tempting, or discussions stretch on endlessly without relief.

What often gets lost is the sense of partnership. Each person becomes focused on defending their position rather than feeling supported by the other.

Restoring emotional connection does not solve the dilemma, but it makes it more bearable.

Separating the Problem From the Relationship

One of the most important shifts in a standstill is learning to separate the external problem from the bond between partners.

When couples can reconnect emotionally and remember that they are on the same team, the problem becomes something they are facing together rather than something driving them apart.

This shift reduces reactivity and opens space for more thoughtful exploration of options.

Making Room for Grief and Hope

Standstills often involve grief. Someone may lose a dream, a sense of certainty, or an imagined future. Making space for that grief is an essential part of the process.

At the same time, holding onto some sense of hope helps lower the emotional stakes. This might involve imagining potential positives in each possible outcome, even when none feel ideal.

Balancing grief and hope allows couples to stay emotionally engaged rather than overwhelmed.

What Helps Couples Move Forward

Helpful practices during standstills often include:

• Listening with the goal of understanding rather than persuading

• Validating each other’s fears and losses

• Reducing pressure to reach a decision quickly

• Reinforcing the strength of the relationship alongside the difficulty of the situation

These practices help couples feel less alone as they face hard choices.

Standing Together

Standstills are not solved by better arguments. They are navigated through connection, patience, and mutual care.

Whether couples are working through these challenges on their own or with support from couples therapy in Queens, maintaining emotional safety allows partners to face uncertainty together.

When the relationship remains a source of support, even painful decisions become more manageable.

About the Author:

Michal Goldman, LCSW, is a marriage therapist in New York specializing in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and discernment counseling. She helps couples move from disconnection to understanding and connection— whether they’re rebuilding trust, navigating ambivalence, or learning to communicate more effectively.
Learn more about her work or schedule a consultation at michalgoldmanlcsw.org/about.