When You Are Not Sure About Your Marriage

Most people enter marriage believing that if things ever became truly bad, the answer would be obvious. Either you would know you needed to leave, or you would know you needed to stay and work harder. What surprises many couples is how often marriage trouble does not arrive with clarity. Instead it arrives as confusion, ambivalence, and a constant sense of being pulled in opposite directions.

You may still care deeply about your spouse while also feeling exhausted, resentful, or emotionally checked out. You may imagine life apart and feel relief one moment, then grief and fear the next. You may be functioning well on the outside while privately living in a state of constant inner debate. This uncertain space can last months or even years, and it takes a real toll.

Discernment counseling in NY was developed specifically for couples living in this in between place. It is designed for relationships where one or both partners are unsure whether to stay married or move toward divorce, and where traditional couples therapy often feels confusing or unhelpful.

The Hidden Cost of Living With Marital Ambivalence

Uncertainty is one of the hardest emotional states for the human nervous system to tolerate. When there is no clear path forward, people tend to feel anxious, irritable, and depleted. In marriage, ambivalence often shows up as emotional distancing, repeated arguments, or a sense of going through the motions without real engagement.

Many people keep their doubts private. They worry that voicing uncertainty will hurt their spouse or trigger a crisis they are not ready to manage. As a result, they carry the weight alone. This isolation can intensify doubt and slowly erode connection.

Over time, ambivalence often changes how partners behave. One partner may pull back emotionally, stop initiating closeness, or disengage from future planning. The other may feel confused, rejected, or panicked without fully understanding why. This dynamic can create more pain and misunderstanding, even when both people are trying to avoid making things worse.

Discernment counseling recognizes that this state is not a failure or a moral flaw. It is a human response to feeling stuck between competing needs, values, and fears.

Why Traditional Couples Therapy Often Misses the Mark

Many couples in uncertain marriages try couples therapy first. Sometimes this helps. Often it does not. One reason is that standard couples therapy assumes a shared goal of staying together and improving the relationship.

When one partner is unsure about remaining married, that assumption creates pressure. The unsure partner may feel pushed to work on a marriage they are not confident they want to keep. The other partner may feel falsely reassured or increasingly anxious when progress feels slow or inconsistent.

Sessions can become stuck in surface problem solving or repetitive arguments. The deeper question of whether both partners want to stay married often remains unspoken. Over time, therapy may stall or end abruptly, leaving both people discouraged.

Discernment counseling takes a different approach. Instead of focusing on fixing the relationship right away, it focuses on helping each person gain clarity about the direction they want to take.

What Discernment Counseling Is Designed To Do

Discernment counseling is a short term, structured approach created by Dr. Bill Doherty for couples where divorce is being considered but uncertainty remains. It is not about persuading anyone to stay or to leave. It is about slowing the process down enough to make a thoughtful, informed decision.

In discernment counseling sessions in New York, the goal is clarity and confidence about the next step. That next step usually falls into one of three paths.

Some couples decide to commit to working on the marriage with full effort, often transitioning into couples therapy with renewed intention.

Some couples decide to move toward divorce with greater understanding, less blame, and more emotional preparation.

Some couples decide that they need more time and reflection before choosing either path.

What matters most is that the decision comes from reflection rather than reactivity.

How the Structure Creates Safety

One of the defining features of discernment counseling is its structure. Sessions usually involve a combination of individual conversations with the therapist and brief joint conversations with both partners present.

This structure allows each person to speak openly without fear of immediate conflict. The unsure partner has space to explore doubts honestly. The partner who wants to stay married has space to express hope, fear, and pain without trying to convince or argue.

Because the therapist holds clear boundaries around the purpose of the work, sessions tend to feel contained and emotionally safer. This containment helps reduce escalation and allows deeper reflection to emerge.

Understanding the Inner Experience of the Unsure Partner

The partner who is uncertain about the marriage often feels misunderstood. From the outside, ambivalence can look cold, selfish, or indecisive. From the inside, it often feels agonizing.

Unsure partners are usually weighing many factors at once. Love and loyalty. Exhaustion and resentment. Concern for children. Fear of regret. Hope that things could change. Fear that they will not.

Discernment counseling helps unsure partners slow down and examine their inner experience with compassion and honesty. Rather than focusing only on what their spouse has done wrong, they are invited to look at their own patterns, choices, and contributions to the current state of the marriage.

This self reflection is not about self blame. It is about taking responsibility for one’s own side of the relational dance.

Supporting the Partner Who Wants To Save the Marriage

The partner who wants to stay married often enters discernment counseling feeling scared and powerless. They may worry that the therapist will side with the unsure partner or treat divorce as inevitable.

In reality, discernment counseling takes the pain and hope of this partner very seriously. Wanting to preserve a marriage is not framed as denial or weakness. It is recognized as a legitimate and deeply human position.

This partner is supported in expressing their desire for the marriage, reflecting on their own growth edges, and understanding how their behavior may have contributed to distance or conflict. They are also helped to tolerate uncertainty without pressuring their spouse for immediate answers.

Moving From Blame Toward Responsibility

One of the most important shifts that happens in discernment counseling is the move away from blame. When couples are stuck in ambivalence, it is easy to create a story about who caused the problem.

Discernment counseling gently redirects attention toward responsibility. Each partner is invited to look at how they have shown up in the marriage over time. How they have handled conflict. How they have protected themselves. How they have responded to pain.

This process often softens rigid narratives and opens space for empathy. Even when couples ultimately decide to divorce, this shift can reduce bitterness and long term regret.

When Discernment Counseling Leads to Recommitment

Some couples enter discernment counseling believing divorce is likely, only to discover that clarity brings renewed commitment. This happens when partners gain insight into their patterns and feel genuine motivation to try again in a different way.

Recommitment does not mean pretending the past did not happen. It means choosing to work on the relationship with intention and humility. Many couples who choose this path describe it as a more conscious and grounded commitment than their original one.

When Discernment Counseling Leads to Divorce

For other couples, clarity leads to the recognition that divorce is the healthiest next step. While painful, this decision often feels more settled and less chaotic after discernment counseling.

Partners who divorce after discernment counseling frequently report less regret and more understanding of why the marriage could not continue. This is especially important for couples who will continue co parenting or sharing extended family connections.

Discernment Counseling and Parenting Concerns

Parents often feel trapped by uncertainty because of concern for their children. They may stay in limbo out of fear of causing harm, even when the marriage feels deeply unhappy.

Discernment counseling helps parents explore these fears realistically. Staying in a conflicted or emotionally disconnected marriage also impacts children. So does divorce. The question becomes how to make a decision with integrity and care rather than avoidance.

Is Discernment Counseling Right for You

Discernment counseling is designed for couples who are not aligned about the future of the marriage or who feel stuck in prolonged uncertainty. It is especially helpful when one partner is leaning out and the other is leaning in.

It is not appropriate when there is ongoing abuse, coercive control, or immediate safety concerns. In those cases, individual support and safety planning are essential.

Moving Forward With Intention

Living in marital limbo is exhausting and lonely. Discernment counseling offers a way to step out of the cycle of endless debating and quiet withdrawal.

Whether couples choose to rebuild their marriage or to part ways, the goal is the same- to move forward with clarity, responsibility, and respect for the bond that once brought them together.

For couples seeking discernment counseling in NYC this process can be the difference between drifting into a decision and choosing one with open eyes and a grounded heart.

About the Author

Michal Goldman, LCSW, is a marriage therapist in New York specializing in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and discernment counseling. She helps couples move from disconnection to understanding and connection— whether they’re rebuilding trust, navigating ambivalence, or learning to communicate more effectively.
Learn more about her work or schedule a consultation at michalgoldmanlcsw.org/about.