What Every Couple Should Know Before Starting Marriage Therapy

Most couples come into therapy with a set of assumptions- some more positive than others. Regardless of your assumptions, it is important to know what effective therapy looks like.

In this blog, I speak about how to prepare for finding and starting couples therapy. Here, I’m sharing what I truly wish every couple knew before they walk into their first session of couples therapy in Queens.

1. You’re not here because something is “wrong” with you. You’re here because you’re human.

Many couples start therapy feeling embarrassed, ashamed, or convinced they’ve “failed.” But the truth is, there is no way to have a long-term relationship without it running into emotional stuck points (unless their is zero connection, which is its own concern).

When two humans with their own histories, hopes, thoughts, and feelings share a life, of course they’ll sometimes end up in messy situations.

I wish couples knew:

You didn’t ruin anything. You’re not broken. Your relationship isn’t uniquely flawed.
You’re simply caught in a pattern that will make emotional sense once we slow it down, even if we aren’t sure how it makes sense yet.

2. I’m not playing judge- I’m focusing on your relationship.

So many couples come in expecting to either be judged as bad or good.
“Will she think I’m the problem?”
“Will he see how unreasonable she is?”
“Will the therapist finally tell my partner I’m right?”

But in emotionally focused couples therapy in Queens, I’m not choosing one partner over the other. I’m choosing your relationship every time.

The real “enemy” isn’t either partner. The real enemy is the negative cycle that takes over when you’re hurting.

I wish couples knew:

I’m not here to judge you (my training is not focused on court cases)- I’m here to help you both feel safer with each other.

3. We’re going to slow things down- sometimes brutally- on purpose.

Couples usually talk fast at home. They interrupt, defend, escalate, or shut down.
In therapy, I will interrupt that rhythm so that we can begin to change patterns.

When we slow down, we start to notice and feel what hurts, what scares you, and what you’re trying to protect

From there, couples can communicate differently and not get stuck in the same cycles.

I wish couples knew:

Slowing down helps us get clarity to heal.

4. Skills and scripts don’t work unless we fix the emotional ground beneath them.

Many couples expect couples therapy to be purely about getting communication tools, such as “I-statements,” active listening skills, and rules for fighting fair.

These tools are great and will come up, but most of the work will be practicing in the actual session (practicing will build the muscles for you to use it at home).

On top of that, if we just add skills when there is unresolved hurt, it’s like putting a Band-Aid on something that needs stitches. The band-aid will fall off, but the wound won’t be healed

I wish couples knew:

You need a safer emotional bond to be able to apply skills more easily and effectively.

5. You will learn as much about yourself as you will about your partner.

Couples come in wanting the therapist to fix their partner.
One often unexpected consequence of this work is that most of the growth happens when each of you are focused on yourselves and your contributions to the challenges. When that happens, therapy starts to go quicker and smoother.

On top of that, having more understanding of yourself is one of the biggest gifts you can give yourself. After all, the person who you’ll have the longest-standing relationship with is yourself.

I wish couples knew:

This work is personal as much as it is couple-ship work. Many problems couples face have to do with their dynamic, and a dynamic is always a two way street. This is a good thing, and helpful for you and your relationship.

6. It is absolutely possible to feel close again—even if you’ve felt stuck for years.

For couples who are stuck in a painful cycle, they often feel like therapy is damage control, and not that it will actually lead to closeness and intimacy.

This is not true! If both partners are committed to growth and showing up for themselves and each other, and if they are willing to notice their own struggles and commit to working through them, that will lead towards closeness.

I wish couples knew:

If the right ingredients are in place, relationships are repairable and can lead to even more connection than there was in the first place.
It takes a lot of hard work, but doing it is one of the most worthwhile things you can do for yourself and your relationship.

Michal Goldman, LCSW, is a marriage therapist in New York specializing in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and discernment counseling. She helps couples move from disconnection to understanding and connection— whether they’re rebuilding trust, navigating ambivalence, or learning to communicate more effectively.
Learn more about her work or schedule a consultation at michalgoldmanlcsw.org/about.