Top 5 Myths About Marriage Therapy in New York (and What Couples Really Need to Know)
Marriage therapy carries more stigma, fear, and misinformation than almost any other kind of therapy. Couples often feel pressure to “figure things out on their own”.
Here are the five biggest myths couples bring into therapy, and the truths that can hopefully help them breathe a bit easier.
If you’d like to learn more about how I work with couples, you can visit my Marriage Counseling in Queens page.
Myth #1: “Marriage therapy means our relationship is failing.”
Truth: Therapy is often a sign of relationship strength.
The most common myth that I see about couples therapy is this. Many couples are afraid of marriage therapy because they think that it means that their marriage is failing, and that they are headed towards divorce.
There are some couples who come to therapy at the point that their marriage is failing, but those couples are a minority. Most couples who I see have a lot of strengths in their relationship. I’m regularly inspired by the couples I see for marriage therapy.
Couples therapy is where many couples go because they value their relationship so much, that they want to work out whatever pieces they are struggling with. It often shows the strength of the relationship that a couple is willing to devote time every week to talk about their challenges instead of just shoving it under the rug.
Myth #2: “The therapist will take sides.”
Truth: A good therapist works with the relationship, not one partner.
Many couples are afraid therapy will turn into a courtroom battle, where one person “wins,” the other “loses.” Or, if not that, then the therapist views one person as right, even if the therapist isn’t saying so specifically.
This is not the point of couples therapy. As a couples therapist, my client isn’t one partner from the relationship- my client is the relationship itself. Any skilled marriage therapist (this is another reason to make sure your couples therapist has advanced training and consultation) has practice in noticing if something affects them personally and then making sure that it doesn’t come out in the therapy. They also have training in understanding people’s experiences, which takes out the good guy- bad guy component.
The marriage therapy will focus on what triggers both partners in arguments, the cycle of disconnection, the needs under the conflict, and how to slow down and reconnect.
If you read through that list, you will see that none of it has to do with taking sides- that is not the goal.
It is important to note that some couples therapy modalities, such as RLT, do take sides, but even in those therapies, the “taking sides” is done with a lot of compassion and understanding towards what leads both partners to do what they do.
Myth #3: “We should be able to fix this ourselves.”
Truth: Sometimes, we haven’t been taught how to do relationships. Therapy fills the gap.
While some people grew up in homes where they felt secure and were able to see their parents using skills to create a healthy intimate relationship, many of us haven’t had healthy communication modeled for us growing up.
Healthy communication includes:
How to handle conflict without hurting each other
How to communicate needs vulnerably, not angrily
How to repair after an argument
How to stay emotionally open instead of shutting down
How to love someone who triggers old attachment wounds
For someone who grew up seeing this day in and day out, it is easier to copy it in your current relationship.
However, for people who didn’t grow up with this, it takes learning and practice to get it down pat. I sometimes call marriage therapy a “lab” where both partners are in a safe enough place to practice these skills until they become the norm.
Myth #4: “Marriage therapy takes forever.”
Truth: The first shift often happens in the first few sessions.
It’s true that deep, lasting relational change takes time, especially if there’s been hurt or betrayal. But that doesn’t mean you’ll be in therapy for years.
Most couples start feeling:
more understood
less stuck
more hopeful
more connected
more aware of the cycle between them
within the first 2–4 sessions after the initial assessment.
EFT in particular is efficient because it gets straight to the heart of the issue instead of focusing only on skills or surface-level communication, or as I’ve heard people call it, “the fight of the week”.
While every couple’s journey is unique, therapy shouldn’t be endless. With consistent effort, many couples see meaningful progress in weeks or months. In fact, I recommend regular check-ins with your therapist (if they aren’t offering them, feel free to bring it up yourself), to make sure that you are both on the same page and working towards the same goals.
Myth #5: “Talking about problems will make things worse.”
Truth: Avoidance fuels disconnection; talking in a safe way creates relief.
Many couples fear opening up old wounds, especially if conversations at home tend to spiral into fighting. This fear is understandable, and I don’t recommend people continue conversations if experience has shown that doing so creates more fighting. At the same time, talking with a trained marriage therapist is very different from talking alone.
In therapy, you:
slow down
understand each other’s emotions
identify the pattern you get stuck in
practice speaking from vulnerability instead of anger (which sometimes takes time)
hear each other without defensiveness
After talking in this way, things begin to resolve, and it creates relief. Many couples share how much lighter they feel after talking about things and working through them instead of spiraling because of them.
It’s not the problems that hurt relationships.
It’s the silence, fear, and distance that grow when they’re not addressed.
Marriage therapy in New York doesn’t mean you’re failing, broken, or at the end of your relationship. It means you’re human, and you’re choosing to work toward connection, clarity, and healing.
If you’re unsure where to start, you may want to read
The Complete Guide to Finding a Marriage Therapist in New York — a full, step-by-step overview of how to choose the right therapist for your needs and relationship.
About the Author
Michal Goldman, LCSW, is a marriage therapist in New York specializing in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and discernment counseling. She helps couples move from disconnection to understanding and connection— whether they’re rebuilding trust, navigating ambivalence, or learning to communicate more effectively.
Learn more about her work or schedule a consultation at michalgoldmanlcsw.org/about.
